When we talk about putting ourselves first, listening to what we need, what we want or what we desire, many of us immediately jump to either feeling like we're going to neglect everybody or that it's going to be seen as selfish.

Jessica Keats is the healer consultant's secret weapon that everybody needs in their life. She helps women find out who they really are, what their pure passion and purpose is, and then she removes everything in the way of that and helps them put their crowns on and be awesome.

Jessica and I have known each other for a few years and recently we had a conversation about how hard it is for women, in particular, to put themselves first because it feels selfish.

We have this belief that we’re not supposed to think that we’re the most important person.

Society likes us to think that the group is the most important. And so we've grown up learning to sacrifice almost everything for “the group.” And none of us really learn to think self and then think group.

How to think “self” then think “group”

One example is oxygen masks on an airplane. You’re supposed to put the oxygen on yourself before you help anyone else, even your child, because if you don't have enough oxygen then no one is going to do well. That, however, is the only example most people can come up with.

When you take care of yourself first, you are not doing it at the expense of everybody else. What it means is you're actually going to have more to give.

It’s important to also remember to give yourself to others strategically, meaning you're going to give it for the right reasons. You're not going to give because you feel guilty or because you feel that you should do it or because you feel that if you help everyone, then everyone will like you.

Are you putting yourself first?

About four or five years ago, Jessica started to realize that she never thought about what was it that she wanted, needed or desired. She only thought about it in terms of her relationship with her husband or her son. She started thinking about how she could fit in around what they were doing or what they needed. And it wasn't until she realized that she didn't really matter that she started to choose herself. It was difficult, at first.

She started with Jessica first, and then them, and it was important for her in terms of her ability to tune into her intuition and becoming the healer she is today. It wouldn't have happened if she hadn't put herself first because it's only when she tuned inwards and asked herself, “What's going on in Jessica? What does Jessica need? What does Jessica want? What does Jessica feeling?” That she was able to hear the guidance that was coming to her and actually move forward in a different way. Putting herself first was instrumental in her growth.

Start small

To start putting the focus on yourself first, start small. Start with, what is it that I want to eat? What is it that I want to wear? What is it that I'm doing today? What is the thing that I want to work on? What is the dream I want to start moving towards? And notice your tendencies to put it aside. When we start to notice how much we may want for ourselves, but we continue to shuffle it aside and stuff it under something while we take care of something else then we never put ourselves first.

Write it down

Jessica would write it all down so that she would remember what she wanted and start from that place. That way, when she would open up her laptop in the morning, I would see it and ask, “what is this all about?” She would see what was about her and what was about her business, etc. because she had written it all down, which helped her remain focused.

Be unapologetic

You have to move away from the guilt and be unapologetic. So, when family members question you doing your thing and they say something jabbing you can say, unapologetically, no, this is what is happening. This is what is happening and I want you around, but if you need to go – go.

Jessica refused to apologize for being a kick-ass businesswoman. She refused to apologize for wanting to go out and change the world and she’s not going to apologize for knowing that's what feeds her soul.

We may feel like we're taking something away from the people that we love and in a moment we are, but we're also giving them back something way bigger, which is the ability for them to choose themselves and do what they're passionate about and not have to feel guilty or tied into doing something for us. We’re giving them all of this ability to do that and for our kids it's huge.

Boundaries

Boundaries are good for everybody. When you're saying no to somebody, you're giving them the opportunity to step up for themselves, but that's not to say there isn't going to be pushback because if you have been doing stuff for people for a really long time and you stopped doing it, they may not like it at first, but that's when we have to put a lot of faith and trust into the process and know that we're on the right path.

Some people are going to feel abandonment or they’re going to be triggered in a way that feels like they need to be more emotional about it. You need to understand that and continue to work on yourself too. It is a process. It isn’t something that will change overnight.

Every moment of every day when you’re thinking and looking out for yourself and your needs is self -care. And that's where the love of self comes from and that's where your confidence comes from. Self-care is how we reduce anxiety and we start to reduce depressive feelings. It’s when we’re saying to ourselves, “you can trust me now I'm listening and I'm acting.”

As business owners, most of us need to figure out how to feel more empowered and confident. Confident within themselves to go out and tell people what they do and sell what they do. Self-care will help with that. You will learn to understand your own value, having your own confidence, being able to say what you want to say, knowing who to talk to, and seeing other people's value because they have started flourishing in their own self-care!

You will see people much differently than they used to before and the opportunities will follow.

For more information on working with Jessica, visit her website at https://www.jessicakeats.com/

Season Two, Episode 13: It’s time to put yourself first with Jessica Keats